Silent Storm

This is going to be a strange contribution to this yearly tradition*. You see – I can’t and really am not allowed to write about the thing that is occupying me most at the moment.

My father – whom I am caring for this winter in Miami – is increasingly sinking in the quicksand that is Alzheimer’s. And the family does not want me to post anything about the matter. But how then can I explain the impact this is having on me without describing what is going on?

Then there’s the fact that I am trying to get over a brief yet intense relationship – which likewise I can’t discuss. Because the man in question wants to stay out of the picture. Because he didn’t want it to be called a relationship. And because we both doggedly continue to claim it was not love. But why then is letting go so goddamn difficult?

I realise that I normally write about these sorts of things to deal with them. That through writing I get a particular insight and can then share this insight with others. But clearly blogs or social media posts about these issues are off limits. And so there’s a brief silence. Despite the storm raging in my head.

There’s also the feeling of a new book growing inside of me: How to light your fire without a burnout. I want to discuss the process of transitioning from ‘surviving to living’ that started a few years ago. I am also experiencing a shift from exclusively using my male ‘doing energy’ to increasingly accessing the more feminine side of surrender and go with the flow.

But I can’t get down to writing. I first need some peace. Both in my head and in my life in general. And that process is still ongoing. I first need to complete some other things. Like the e-course I’ve been working on for nine months or so about ‘impact & influence’ with all my secrets for authentic social media. The expensive and ‘experienced’ e-course experts I commissioned to help out made a mess of it, so I had to learn everything myself with all sorts of ups and downs. Then there were loads of (techy) issues with my web shop, my computer and even the IT guys I called on to solve them. It has kept me so busy that in the meantime my super-high social media score (which was the whole point of the e-course) has sunk significantly.

Again the solution is to get it on screen, to share my solutions and to be more visible on social media.

But right now the last thing I want is to be visible. Sometimes the misery makes me feel like crawling under a big rock in a dark, remote place. To bury my head under the covers and not come out until the world looks even just a little more attractive…

But unfortunately – or perhaps fortunately – that’s not an option. My father needs me. I have to get my stuff together again. And I will. No doubt this process too will deliver poignant insights. Insights that others, also going through the ‘year-end blues’, will be able to use for their benefit.

And so I’m going to get my running gear on, cook good food, dance the tango, answer my emails and go for long walks. And I’ll wait patiently. Until things sort themselves out without me having to pull or push them to resolution.

I’m looking forward to this whole situation flourishing into an interesting chapter in my new book….

Esther Jacobs (1970) is also known as the ‘No Excuses Lady’. As a genuine optimist, motivational speaker, author and journalist she’s always on the look-out for surprising perspectives and creative solutions. She does not have a permanent home address; this year, this digital nomad travelled and lived in Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand, Vietnam, Mallorca, Amsterdam, Greece, Cyprus, Curaçao and the USA. www.estherjacobs.info

* This post was originally created for the platform www.mijnmoment.com, a Dutch tradition that asks a number of public figures to describe their ‘moment’ of the past year.

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