My Transformation: ISTA Level 2 in Peru

An Advanced Shamanic Tantra Retreat

“Are you ready to let go of everything you think you know about yourself?”

After several tantra experiences since 2015, I finally felt ready for a next level deep dive. After attending ISTA (International School of Temple Arts) Level 1 twice and completing an integration retreat, I knew this was the next step. Nobody tells you exactly what Level 2 entails, only that you will ‘die.’ Your ego dies, and then you are reborn. It’s an intense process, and that’s exactly what I was looking for.

This retreat was held in Peru, a country deeply rooted in shamanism and a special place for me personally. Although the timing was terrible—I was flying from Thailand, with only two days in Amsterdam to adjust to the time difference, pack, and leave again—I knew I had to be there. This was Bruce’s last retreat, one of ISTA’s founders, and everyone spoke of him with awe.

A unique facilitator

Bruce was everything I had heard about and more. A slender man in his 60s, with long white hair, a deeply lined face, and piercing, cat-like blue eyes. His presence radiated love, gentleness, and profound wisdom. His “cowboy-hippie” clothing and raw, deep voice made him a captivating figure.

Throughout the retreat, Bruce often stayed in the background, while co-facilitators led most exercises. But whenever he spoke, the room fell silent. He channeled ancient wisdom and delivered it in a way that bypassed the intellect and went straight to the soul. This wasn’t ordinary knowledge; it was deep, transformative wisdom connecting us to something much larger than ourselves.

*Artwork by instagram.com/micaelajarast

Afraid of pain

During a first, playful exercise – a role-play about animals on the savannah – we had to alternately play prey and predator. The idea was to explore what feelings that evoked and where you felt most at home. When I was the prey, a big guy jumped on me just a little too hard. I felt something crack: one of my ribs.

From that moment, I walked around in pain for weeks. Moving hurt, coughing, laughing, sneezing, even breathing was a challenge – and this at 3000 meters altitude, where breathing is already difficult… But I quickly realized this was part of what I was here to learn. I’ve always been afraid of pain. I try to avoid it at all costs, both physically and emotionally. But now, I couldn’t escape it. It was there. And yet… life went on.

I was not like prey that lies lifeless after an attack. In pain, yes, but I was alive. And I could bear it. That realization was perhaps the most important lesson of the week. Pain is not the end. Every breath was a reminder of this lesson.

The underworld: death and rebirth

Most of the retreat took place in ‘the underworld,’ a space where our personalities and egos had no place. For four days, we worked on releasing everything that no longer served us. Through deep processes and powerful rituals, we let parts of ourselves ‘die’—our sexuality, minds, and hearts, releasing what no longer served us and offering it to something universal, vast, and profoundly greater than our personal selves.

My own funeral

One exercise made a profound impression on me: imagining my own funeral. I saw a large group of people who had been inspired by my ‘No Excuses’ message. But what struck me was that they weren’t there for me, but for the inspiration I had given them. That realization hit me hard. There are only a few people who truly know me.

I also realized that my message, while valuable, was incomplete. Life isn’t just about doing and achieving; it’s about finding the balance between action and simply being—trusting, surrendering, enjoying, and creating space for reflection and connection. During this exercise, it felt like I was negotiating with death for more time—time to complete my story, to embrace this balance fully.

This was just the beginning of a week where I would let go of everything that no longer served me.

Learning to work with energy

Bruce shared profound insights about how energy works. He explained that this knowledge could only be taught to our subconscious because our egos or personalities in the ‘upper world’ might misuse it. He used the metaphor of a person trapped in a box: “If you stick the instructions on the outside, it won’t help the person inside. The knowledge must come from within, through connection and love.”

We learned how to work with different energy fields—physical, emotional/sexual, light body, mythological body, and dark body (the void). We explored how to balance energy across these fields, how to move between dimensions, and how to interact with others and their energy.

For me, this was a revelation. I felt deeply moved, as if I was finally accessing knowledge I had been searching for my entire life.

Relationships: A mirror for healing

Another important insight was about relationships. We often seek connection with others to fill a void within ourselves, rather than healing our own core wounds. When a relationship hurts us or breaks our hearts, we often blame the other person. But Bruce showed us that this pain is an opportunity to heal, to come closer to our core. Relationships are mirrors. They invite us to keep opening our hearts, even when it hurts. And every time we heal a piece of ourselves, we come closer to wholeness. True love doesn’t come from the ego but from the origin—the void, the dark heart.

The ritual of opposites

During a ceremony about connecting earth and sky, light and dark, masculine and feminine, I was paired with a girl who wanted to develop her masculine strength, while I was working on my femininity.

After the ritual, we were asked to choose a symbol that stood out to us. At first, we saw nothing. She eventually said, “Maybe a triangle?” and I thought vaguely of a square.

We were told to draw these symbols on each other’s bodies with our fingers, as if they were charged with magical energy. Just before drawing the triangle on her throat, I knew the symbol had to be upside down. To my surprise, the triangle seemed to light up as my fingers touched her skin. “I must be imagining this,” I thought. But then she drew the square on my chest and said, “I can see it glowing!”

When we hugged, her triangle and my square aligned perfectly, forming a new symbol: a square with an upside-down triangle inside. Later, I looked it up and discovered it represents balance and unity between opposites—femininity/water and masculinity/earth. This was exactly what we had been working on! We were so moved that we decided to get this symbol tattooed, as a lasting reminder of the experience.

Dancing through dimensions

The highlight of the week was a magical dance with Bruce during a ceremony. Out of the blu he was standing in front of me and -without words- invited me to dance. What began as a simple movement became a journey through different energy dimensions.

At one point, he asked me, “Where do you want to go?”

Without thinking, I said, “To where we first met.”

In an instant, I saw galaxies, geometric shapes, and pure energy. We continued to move through dimensions. One moment, I felt the energy of a priestess move through my body; the next, I was a butterfly in the realm of insects.

It was as if all masks had fallen away, leaving me completely free.

I have never met anybody who could so effortlessly and masterfully travel through energy realms – and take me with him. And I was aware of it all, and of the magic unfolding. This dance was one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life.

Poem

Bruce sent us this beautiful poem:

“Some day, if you are lucky, you’ll return from a thunderous journey trailing snake scales, wing fragments and the musk of Earth and moon.

Eyes will examine you for signs of damage, or change and you, too, will wonder if your skin shows traces of fur, or leaves, if thrushes have built a nest of your hair, if Andromeda burns from your eyes. Do not be surprised by prickly questions from those who barely inhabit their own fleeting lives, who barely taste their own possibility, who barely dream. If your hands are empty, treasureless, if your toes have not grown claws, if your obedient voice has not become a wild cry, a howl, you will reassure them. 

We warned you, they might declare, there is nothing else, no point, no meaning, no mystery at all, just this frantic waiting to die. And yet, they tremble, mute, afraid you’ve returned without sweet elixir for unspeakable thirst, without a fluent dance or holy language to teach them, without a compass bearing to a forgotten border where no one crosses without weeping for the terrible beauty of galaxies and granite and bone.

They tremble, hoping your lips hold a secret, that the song your body now sings will redeem them, yet they fear your secret is dangerous, shattering, and once it flies from your astonished mouth, they–like you–must disintegrate before unfolding tremulous wings.” 

-The Return by Geneen Marie Leif Haugen