Conscious Uncoupling

The new conscious way of ending a relationship

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin did not divorce but deliberately uncoupled. Benevolence and respect are paramount. I tried it too and was pleasantly surprised.

What is Conscious Uncoupling?

Conscious uncoupling is a new, more conscious way to end your relationship. You go from the ‘story’ level to the helicopter view. For example, not only the reason why the relationship ended but also the beautiful memories and experiences are looked at. The relationship is honored by trying to turn resentment into wisdom and lessons learned. It’s about how to heal, reflect and move on in the kindest and most productive way possible.

You can do this with your ex, but if he doesn’t want to cooperate, you can also do it alone.

Don’t dwell on a lesson that has already been learned

This may make it a little easier to accept the end of the relationship. Some situations and relationships are meant to teach us something. We can run from it, but then that same lesson will present itself elsewhere. When we’ve finally learned our lesson, that situation no longer serves us. If we stayed, we avoid learning other lessons that our “higher self” has planned for us.

The 5 phases of a ritual

I experienced a magically beautiful ‘conscious uncoupling’ weekend with my ex. We did it together, without a mediator and followed our gut feeling. I had been given tips to put it in as a ritual. In fact, all important moments follow the five phases of a ritual, just like a birth, wedding, funeral or the ‘becoming man’ of a boy in an ancient race:

  1. disconnecting from everyday life (for example, an African boy is sent into the jungle to survive)
  2. storytelling (sharing history, hero stories, passing on the legacy)
  3. the challenge (killing the lion)
  4. the vision (who does the boy want to be as a man, he might even get a new name)
  5. reintegration (he goes back to his village where he is now a full member, with the responsibilities that come with it).

What our ceremony looked like

Step 1: ‘away from ordinary life’. My ex had come to Italy, especially for this. The setting was my village and my magically beautiful Tiny Trullo land, which seemed to give our ritual extra power.

Step 2: Storytelling. We have looked with a helicopter view at what we have learned in recent years, which patterns we have broken and how we have grown. We both felt heard and seen in our ‘higher selves’. This process was very nice because if you look from a distance and back, you can get to the essence, instead of getting stuck ‘in the story’.

For me this was a kind of energetic cleaning, processing, and healing, I feel a lot lighter, I feel softer, I feel more open.

Step 3: the Challenge. We decided to name what we would miss in each other. Then in the evening, we did a fire ceremony at my trullo by writing down what we want to leave behind and which patterns we do not want to take with us into the future. That was powerful, beautiful, and quite emotional.

Step 4: The next day we went to our future vision. What intention do we set for the new form our relationship will take? How do we want to interact with each other in the future? What do we want and can we take with us into the future? What can we still do for each other if we no longer have a relationship with each other, but still want to stay connected?

How do we deal with triggers that will undoubtedly continue to present themselves? We decided to see them as an opportunity to grow rather than run away from them. Let the learning process continue thanks to the triggers.

Step 5: Finally, we just talked about reintegration: how do we deal with our friends and family, our networks? How do we deal with the things and projects we have together?

Magical healing and conclusion

For me, this is the most special thing I’ve ever done. It was a great weekend with lots of insights, emotions, great conversations, and connections. I feel as if I have undergone healing. We have finally been able to apply everything we have learned, together. We also see that we should not dwell on a lesson that has already been learned. Strangely enough, we are more than ever connected to each other in letting go.

It’s like we’ve come a full circle. We can now relate to each other as we used to, but with a new layer of consciousness in it.

It is unfortunate that we had to endure all this and that we also lost so much. But if it has to end, then rather in a kind of harmony, understanding, and admiration for each other.

I feel sad and at the same time very fulfilled. It’s finalized, it’s finished and it’s good. We both assume that from now on we can keep a special friendship and continue to play a role in each other’s lives.

Try it too?

There is a lot of information on the internet about conscious uncoupling. The most important thing is to set the intention with which you enter this process yourself and/or with your partner. Aim for that higher level and don’t get stuck in ‘the story’. You’ve been doing that long enough and it got nowhere. Try to take this opportunity to learn your lessons and put the past behind you so that you can start a new relationship with a clean slate and an open heart. First with yourself and eventually with someone else