Heartbreak in Jordan (2019)

The next morning was a rainy day. My partner, his daughter and I had one day to discover Amman before going on a week-long tour of Jordan, which would show us the major sites and a camel experience in the desert. During my morning meditation, I felt very peaceful and challenged the universe to bring on ‘the next lesson’… Only a few minutes later I discovered something that completely changed my view of my partner and our relationship. It was a deal breaker. I was shocked by this different reality. I could feel the adrenaline in my body; all systems shutting down, turning to survival mode. I knew only one thing: I had to get away. I had to decide: go back to Holland or stay in Jordan? I decided that since I was here and needed to let this all sink in, why not see at least the highlights of the country?

I found myself in a country and city I did not know, a woman alone in an Islam country, on a rainy day, with not even local money in my pocket, so I used what I had and knew: my phone: I booked a hotel via booking.com and jumped into an Uber for the three hour drive to Petra. There I was, cold, lonely, confused, in my bare, simple, cheap hotel room.

I could not eat, could not sleep, my mind was racing, trying to understand what was going on. The next day when I entered the historical Petra site at 6 am, I was like a zombie. A stone on my stomach, my heart tightly closed, not even feeling sadness, just shock and disbelief. To match my emotional state, it was freezing cold outside and I did not even have a jacket.

After a few hours, as we were enjoying the view from a secret viewpoint, he proposed: “why don’t you stay in Petra tonight, here on the site? You can stay at my camp and I will show you Petra by night. If you drive to the desert camp at 5 pm, you’ll miss the beautiful sunset and you won’t see anything from the desert when you arrive. Stay here tonight and leave early tomorrow morning.” It sounded like an adventure, a distraction; just what I needed. I sent a message to Brenda, the (Dutch) lady who organized the desert trip of the change of plans. She answered that she was very worried about me staying in Petra. Apparently, the Bedouin guys have a reputation for picking up foreign girls. And indeed I had seen that process in action around me all day. But I had made clear that I was not interested in an affair, just the Petra experience. My guide agreed and I reassured Brenda. I would be staying in Petra overnight with a complete stranger, without any plans, without any luggage. I felt more alive! Marid (pronounced as ‘Mahdjid’) took me to various friends who live in rock caves. We had a tea here, a bite there. Everybody was friendly and welcoming. They were also all joking about what a wonderful couple we made…. I  just smiled and let them think whatever they wanted. The last thing on my mind… We had dinner (I could only eat a few bites because of my heartache) in a secret Airbnb that one of his friends had made on the Petra site. It is called Indiana Jones cave. Very basic, but highly recommended. Around 9 PM we mounted his mule in the pitch dark and the animal guided us down the mountain, over the rocks, to Petra by night: a tourist event where they basically project light onto the treasury (the main site), put candles on the floor and play traditional music. The official Petra by night was nice, but the real Petra by night afterwards was spectacular. After the event we mounted the mule again, wrapped in a blanket against the fierce cold, pressed against each other for balance and warmth, and trusted the mule to guide us back up in the mountains; over the rocks in the dark. Above us a pitch black sky full of stars. Never experienced a night like this and then in an ancient site, in such good company: magic! I had no idea where we would sleep. Marid took us to the cave house of his brother, but could not find the key. The mule took us to the next house of a friend, where we had more luck: they had left a key. In this unknown place, with this unknown man on the other side of the room, I slept on a dirty mattress under dirty blankets and felt almost happy.

Brenda, the Dutch lady who fell in love with Jordan and lives in the desert, received me with open arms. I had just a few minutes to send and receive the messages I had prepared and off we went into the desert. She had arranged everything. For my two days on a horse, we had two Bedouin guys, herself, three horses and a jeep packed with mattresses, blankets, water and food for us and the horses.

Before we got onto our horses, she had me draw a card from her spiritual ‘horse card deck’. The message was – of course- exactly applicable to my situation and gave me something to think about during the desert journey.

The next three days were exactly what I needed to let things sink in. The beauty of Wadi Rum, the desert, the rocks, the silence. I enjoyed the sunrise, the sunset, the changing of light on the rocks during the day, the shade in which we had stops and were served sweet mint tea with simple and easy food while the horses were watered. Peace, quiet, nature, beauty, contemplation, only good people around me.

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Around the fire at night, we told simple jokes with the Bedouin, whose English was not so developed. But we understood each other. Apart from the jokes, we shared simple wisdoms and life lessons. Everything they said was somehow related to the heart. They touched their heart when they spoke, they were referring to people whether they had a good heart or not and by really being in the present, with an open heart, no matter what happened. It really felt like a warm bath. I don’t think I could have been in a better place than that.

Thank you, Jordan. If I look back to the start of my trip in Amman, where I didn’t feel very comfortable as a woman alone, and also my first hours in Petra, cold like a zombie, I may have decided to never come back to this country. But the connections I made after that, are what makes Jordan special to me. Especially the Bedouin in Petra and Wadi Rum really have a unique power to be present and connect from the heart. Even the various drivers that took me places were all friendly and caring. I’d like to also thank White Wolf, the horse that communicated with me to relax, every minute for two entire days. And of course a big thanks to Brenda, for being flexible enough to change the trip last minute, for arranging everything, for making me feel welcomed and loved, by providing a safe container for me to be alone in the desert, sharing her love for this beautiful and unique place. These connections from the heart are what makes Jordan special to me, and I think to everybody who visits and gives it a chance to happen, to open their heart.

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